Stealing from Mom and Dad

It’s true. It’s happening. Especially in these economic times. Caregivers are feeling added stress, and, as they say, desperate times…”

What is happening? How is it that a family member could steal from Mom and Dad while caring for them?

Sadly, not difficult to imagine, for some of you. For others, you’re saying, “That’s awful…I would never….”

The Boston Glove published an article that spoke directly to this issue: Mass. elder abuse on the rise: Economy adds to family stresses; Budget cuts limit options for care (2-9-2009). The article reports, “In one case, a son demanded money from his 84-year-old father and when the elder refused, he shoved him, causing a serious head injury, according to the neighbor who alerted authorities.”

When people are pushed to their limits, many of us simply don’t respond well. Our lizard brains kick in. You know, our survival brain, the one that screams, “Take the money and run!”

We’re scared. We don’t see a way out of this, so some reach for the closest “solution,” and if the heat bill needs to be paid and Mom has the money, we justify our acts.

But it’s not just money that’s being stolen. It’s trust. If you are in the midst of caregiving, your parents expect they can trust you. Again, and sadly, not in all cases.

Let me offer one brief and quick tip: instead of taking the money and running, walk away. Take a break. Get out of your situation and breathe. If you let your lizard brain take over, you will continue to act out.

You’re a caregiver. Give care honestly. Know your limits. Ask for help instead of stealing help. Caregiving is not something you have to do all by yourself. Please reach out.

Viagra: the first important “anti-aging” pill

“We have our first anti-aging pill,” my friend informed me in a meeting the other day. As one website said of sex, it’s “the only aspect of life which makes life worthwhile.” My friend may be right about this pill.

Viagra is a sexy. Hip & knee replacements and cataract surgeries, while they can prolong life, improve life and could also be called “anti-aging,” aren’t sexy. They also don’t address that basic human need of sexual touch. Think about what this little blue pill has returned to men who once thought they would lose the ability to engage in sexual activities as they age. That’s a wow. Don’t get me wrong, working knees and hips and eyes are a marvelous thing. But if scientists can create sexuality in a little pill, what will they invent next?

I’ve never been on the anti-aging side. Aging is natural and it comes to all of us. But improving quality of life as we age, I can get on board with that. I’m pretty sure that a good many of us Boomers are expecting that, if scientists can package our sexuality in a pill, they can surely pack other basics into a variety of colored pills.

I’m keeping a lookout for my pink pill.

Lower your expectations to be happy?

In an article entitled “Older and happy? You aren’t alone, study finds,” (St. Paul Pioneer Press, 4-19-08), one sentence caught my attention when referring to why older adults may be happier: “This is partly because older people have learned to lower their expectations….” Wow. I can tell I’m a Boomer because that is difficult to swallow. And yet one of my Boomer friends recently told me that lowering her expectations has led to more happiness.

Do we have to lower our expectations? Or is it more about simplifying our lives, not trying to do everything we’ve ever wanted to do and then some. What do you think?

Are you planning for retirement?

I presented in Madison tonight on the topic of retirement and aging. When I ask the question, “What are you going to do in retirement?” my two favorite vague responses are: travel and get healthy. But when I challenge their responses and ask “Where are you planning on traveling,” I usually get, “All over.” And when I ask, “How are you going to get healthier?” I hear, “Exercise and eat better.”

In my experience, planning places and countries to visit yields results. If I don’t know where I’m going, I get no where. Similarly, starting a new habit, such as exercising and eating better, takes dedication. I’m a walker, always have been. When I try adding new exercises to my routine, it takes at least two weeks to get out of the awkward stage and actually enjoy it.

My point: if you’re thinking about retirement, move beyond thinking and act. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be? But don’t wait until the day you leave your job. Start now. New habits take time.

You don’t have to have Alzheimer’s to get lost!

It’s true. And it has nothing to do with age…unless you count me being 44 as old.

I left Red Wing for Madison, WI, where I’ll be taping 18 more Unexpected Caregiver Radio Minutes. I’ve driven to Madison countless times. With the weather being bad, I decided to take 90/94 and cut off at Hwy 12. Well, I was a little anxious and cut off on another Hwy 12…going West. Wasn’t paying attention, singing to my favorite musicals when I realized that I’m driving towards MN and away from my destination.

Forgetting, getting lost, being confused, is sometimes about focus. Or lack of.

I had a choice: get mad or sing more. I chose to sing (after a little hissy fit.) And I made it to my destination and am ready to record my spots tomorrow.

We all forget. Don’t jump to panic, assuming the worst, especially if it’s your Mom or Dad. Older people can get lost for the same reason 44 year olds do: not paying attention.

This is the first of many a blog entry to talk about reconnecting with our care receivers. My goal is to bring up the real issues–the elephant issues–and face them. I welcome your thoughts.